a friend asked me how i feel + i had trouble finding the words. settling into the feelings. projecting anything that makes sense, sentences. i feel a compilation of contradictory emotions. a pairing of polar opposites of actions. my heart feels heavy + full. light and loaded. my mind - clouded but clear. feet - like they're sinking in quicksand, while running a million miles a minute. yet my soul stable + true to the course it has always been on - endlessly searching. the details of the day-to-day shift and shape and change. sometimes backtracking. sometimes they standstill. but silence and solitude often are my best friends. and when they've overstayed their welcomes, my worst of enemies. balance. balance is what i feel. what i need. what the words that pour out onto pads of papers and leak from ink pens late into sleepless nights. balance is what my soul seeks.
so next time she asks me how i feel. i will say, with confidence. like i've lept off the top of a towering building and wings have somehow sprouted to soften my landing on the ground below. like the water that flows from the mountaintops down to the lakes + streams below. i feel like a girl who kissed a boy she's secretly longed to know for the very first time. like a summer rain shower that kisses the dry, desert ground. i feel like i have a billion words trapped inside of me, ready to burst out to be heard by a world of needy ears. like i have a thirst so deep that i've been craving to quiche it for a million years.
next time i’m asked how i feel, i will say. pretty alright, not too bad. just here, looking around for that balance my ink pen calls for, the balance my notepad has not yet found.
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